In English my name means hope. In Spanish it means too many letters. It means sadness, it means waiting. It is like the number nine. A muddy color. It is the Mexican records my father plays on Sunday mornings when he is shaving, songs like sobbing.
It was my great-grandmother's name and now it is mine. She was a horse woman too, born like me in the Chinese year of the horse-- which is supposed to be bad luck if you're born female-- but I think this is a Chinese lie because the Chinese, like the Mexicans, don't like their women strong.
My great-grandmother. I would've like to have known her, a wild horse of a woman, so wild she wouldn't marry. Until my great-grandfather threw a sack over her head and carried her off. Just like that, as if she were a fancy chandelier. That's the way he did it.
And the story goes she never forgave him. She looked out the window her whole life, the way so many women sit their sadness on an elbow. I wonder if she made the best with what she got or was she sorry because she couldn't be all the things she wanted to be. Esperanza. I have inherited her name, but I don't want to inherit her place by the window.
At school they say my name funny as if the syllables were made out of tin and hurt the roof of your mouth. but in Spanish my name is made out of a softer something, like silver, not quite as thick as sister's name--Magdalena-- which is uglier than mine. Magdalena who at least can come home and become Nenny. But I am always Esperanza.
I would like to baptize myself under a new name, a name more like the real me, the one nobody sees. Esperanza as Lisandra or Miritza or Zeze the X. Yes. Something like Zeze the X will do.
What a beautiful piece! I love how you get a sense of spunk and personality from the author. I love the way her name relates to a relative, and how she connected with her great-grandmother. I had never thought about writing about my own name. Maybe you should think about your name and write about it! Here are a few questions you could answer:
Are you named after someone?
Do you like your name?
Who named you?
Do you have any nicknames?
What about a married name?
Do you associate anything with your name?
When I look back at my siblings, I already know a lot about their names. My brilliant sister, Heather, didn't like her name because she thinks it's an airhead name, so she uses her initials, HC, as a published author. Tad liked his name-- President Lincoln had a son Tad, and it is a pretty cool, unusual name. Jane was always sad that she didn't have a middle name and she thought her name was too plain. If I know that much about my siblings' names, I'll bet you have some thoughts about yours, even if you haven't thought about it before. Here is a rough draft of a piece I wrote about my name (s):
What's in a Name
My Mom chose my name, so my Daddy said. Daddy said he wanted to name me Annie Laurie, but Mom won out, and Laurie Anne (with an E) it is. Mom said I was named after her friend, Laurie Hansen, but I never met her. As a little girl, I imagined she was pretty and blonde with a friendly smile.
I didn't notice how many people had problems pronouncing my name until I was in 2nd or 3rd grade and the cute Studdert boys moved in next door. When Steve and Bonnie started calling me Lori, I got that fingernails on the chalkboard feeling, and suddenly it became important to remind everyone that my name was pronounced "La-rie, like la la la la." Til the day she died, my own grandma called me Lori, and many people (including the Studderts) still call me Lori today.
I felt special growing up when my Daddy called me "Muffin" because it was the cutest nickname in the house. When I got older, Daddy gave me a new nickname--"LA." I didn't know many kids who had a baseball team named after them, so I felt doubly cool. I signed my initials on everything just like the LA Dodgers, knowing I was pretty hot stuff.
In junior high, the kids started looking up name meanings and I followed suit. "Laurie" is derived from the laurel leaf. "Wow," I thought. "How boring!" My name was from a plant?! However on my 16th birthday, a friend gave me a keychain with my name and its definition. Laurie means "WINNER" it stated. A-HA! I should have felt flattered by its meaning, but instead, I felt awkward and embarrassed.
Around the same time, one of my friends abbreviated me, not just my name. Overnight, I was Lar. The great thing about the name Lar is that it is spelled just like it sounds (even if it doesn't sound lovely)! I can't think of many things more charming than a capital L, so even if Lar is harsh, it retains its beauty. Lar fits me. It is practical and to the point, with a spot of flourish.
During the 90's, I stepped into the era of technology and gave myself a new name: my email address. As a young mother of three, I knew it was fitting to combine my identities and I became mamalar. I didn't know then how well this name would stick. Through years of volunteering, church service, and social networking, I am mamalar to many young people which makes me smile! My children have decided this will be the name their children will one day call me.
Before I knew it, cell phones entered my world. One evening, Nate invited me to escort him to a business meeting. Feeling bored and lonely as he wrapped up his affairs, I decided to attempt to navigate his new phone. I found the contact list and thought it appropriate to give myself yet another name; one to surprise him and make him smile. A few weeks later, I answered the house phone to a chuckling husband. Earlier in the day, I had called him during a meeting and a coworker saw my contact information as his phone rang. "Sugarpants? You put your name in my phone as sugarpants? Nate asked giggling. I wanted to make him laugh. It worked.
Do I like my name? Yes, and no. But do I love my names: Laurie, Anne, Muffin, LA, Lar, mamalar, and sugarpants? Indeed I do. They are me, ever changing through this thing called life.
I like to think that thirty years from now, one of my grandchildren will learn something interesting about their grandma when they read the finished piece. Grab your pencil or laptop and start writing! Today.
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